Journey to Motherhood
I was very adamant that I was never having children, I was going to get married but focus on my career and traveling wherever and whenever I wanted. My husband felt the opposite which caused us some major problems. He wanted children so badly and I prayed that I would change my mind for his benefit, but after 14 years of marriage it didn’t happen. I loved my freedom and didn’t want that kind of responsibility.
Then came an opportunity to go on a mission trip to Honduras. This was totally outside my comfort zone. I would be going with a church group but without my husband. I felt that God wanted me to take this trip alone. I expressed interest to the group leading the trip but did not sign up at first. My anxiety was so bad I skipped church on the day of the deadline to turn in the paperwork thinking I had blown my chance and felt horrible. Then the next week I found out that they extended the deadline and I was like “really God?” but I knew this was out of my control. God wanted me on this trip and knew I had to go.
So the night before we left James prayed that this trip would change my heart about kids, which of course only made me angry and I screamed this is not what the trip is about. We would be working construction and doing VBS and lice ministry with children. Working with children was what I dreaded the most. I didn’t know how to relate to children. I was sure I was going to fail at this part of the mission.
How wrong I was. It turned out, working with the children was my favorite part of the mission trip. I fell in love with those kids and I felt my heart melting every minute I was with them. Those kids was born in poverty and had hardship but you couldn’t tell by looking at their smiles and joyous faces. I definitely brought them home with me in my heart and hated to leave them. It was then that I realized, kids aren’t as bad as I thought and really opened up my heart to the idea. But God wasn’t through with me. He sent me to a retreat called Grace Adventure where I got some much needed healing that totally changed my life. I remember sitting at my desk and praying for wisdom on the idea of having a child when I felt a rush of all these emotions and desires for starting a family. My heart had completely opened once I finally listened to God.
The trip was in July of 2012, by February 2013 I had decided to start trying to get pregnant and by May I was pregnant with Diego. Motherhood does change a person, I am a much better person because of my sons. I have never knew that kind of love existed between parent and child. I cannot imagine not having them in my life, I feel has though they have always been there. I look back and wonder what I was afraid of, Motherhood is such a blessing. God set up the right people and right opportunities to change my heart, it was all in his timing and thank him for the blessing of being a mom. I am so grateful that God’s plan is always better than our own. Left to my own devices I am a train wreck!